All bound for Mumuland
by Jocose
Summary: Torchwood/Fawlty Towers crossover Jack needs to get the team out of Cardiff and some technology needs testing. Set just before the events of Doctor Who series one episode Boom Town. Jack, Suzie, Owen, Toshiko.


Jack paused, leaning over the counter of the Tourist Information centre, he grabbed a newspaper that lay discarded, its front page folded over clearly showing a photo of Cardiff's new mayor.

Glancing briefly towards the doorway that led towards the lift, he listened, checking to make sure that no one had followed him. Finally satisfied that he wasn't going to be disturbed, Jack ripped the page he was interested in from the newspaper, dropped the rest into a waste paper bin, then moved quickly towards the outer door.

Holding up the page he pressed it against the glass of the small window of the door, ripped a short length of tape from a roll, then carefully stuck the page to the glass so that the photo was clearly visible from the outside.

He wasn't really expecting that his other self would come here, he knew they hadn't before, but as the Doctor was so fond of pointing out, time wasn't a straight line and if they did turn up, the least he could do would be to warn them that an old 'friend' was alive and well and a lot closer than they would have expected!

Satisfied that he had done as much as he dared without 'interfering' with events, Jack turned back towards the access corridor and headed for the lift.

Time to put part two of his plan into action.

* * *

Owen Harper slouched against the back of the settee, sighed, then glanced towards Toshiko and Suzie, who were enthusiastically peering at one of the screens, discussing readouts and options.

"Okay, I give up, I know I'm going to regret this, but, what the hell!" He paused, waiting for them to turn away from the screen, neither moved.

Jack arrived, noisily yelling from the doorway, then striding up the steps, Owen blinked lazily and waited, if the girls weren't terribly interested in telling him anything, then he was just going to have to wait for Jack to spill the beans.

Rubbing his hands together rapidly, Jack leaned towards Tosh and Suzie, so he could get a closer look at the screen, "All ready then ladies?" He asked, cheerfully.

The two turned towards him, grinning happily.

"Much as I hate to complain about not being told about some techie crap that probably won't work anyway," Owen tried again, "You might as well tell me, at least then I'll know what it's not done that it should have."

"No need to tell you Owen," Jack responded, "You can come and see, better still, you can drive it."

Owen cheered up noticeably, at the prospect of driving something, any excuse to get away from the growing pile of paperwork that he had been trying to think of a suitable excuse to avoid sorting out.

Leading the way across the hub, Toshiko and Suzie close behind him, chattering excitedly, Jack headed for the garage. Owen stood up slowly, grabbed his coat and bag and ambled sedately after them.

* * *

"Right, let the dog see the rabbit," Owen murmured, trying to push past everyone and get a clear view of what all the fuss was about. "Bloody hell!"

Jack grinned enthusiastically back at him, "Well? What do you think?"

"What do I think?" Owen parroted back, "What do I think about the prospect of having to drive **that** around?" he said, his voice getting noticeably louder, as he glared towards the new vehicle.

"It's wonderful!" Toshiko crooned happily, her hands pressing together as if she was praying.

"Wonderful?" Owen almost exploded, "Tosh it's a bloody ice cream van!"

Toshiko winced as Owen's voice echoed around them, "No it's not!" she murmured, defensively.

Owen glared back at her, "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck," he paused, pointing accusingly towards the offending vehicle, "It's a bloody ice cream van," he yelled.

Toshiko scowled at him, "It's a chameleon, it can morph to look like anything you tell it to."

Owen's eyes narrowed, "Really? So you're telling me that you told it to look like that, just for me?"

"Actually, Owen," Jack said, smiling cheerfully towards him, "It was my idea."

"Really?" Owen murmured, then paused, "Why?"

"Because," Jack announced, "_**We**_ are going undercover."

Owen sniffed, looked straight at Jack but said nothing, then blinking slowly he waited. Jack smiled winningly back and raised his eyebrows enquiringly, clearly expecting more questions. Owen stubbornly refused to rise to the bait, instead he slowly folded his arms across his chest and said nothing.

"Right!" Jack clapped his hands together, "Now that's all settled lets get going," he said, turning towards their new transport.

"I know I'm going to regret asking this," mumbled Owen, moving reluctantly forward, "But where are we going, exactly?"

Jack banged on the side of the van with the flat of his hand then pulled open the back door. "To take a closer look at someone, who's been taking rather too much interest in us- hopefully without them noticing... in Torquay," he announced, climbing up into the van.

"Oh yippee! The seaside," Owen grumbled, moving closer.

"You're going to love this Owen," Toshiko said, grinning at him as she pushed past him, "It's fantastic inside!"

Suzie patted him on the back and whispered, "It's amazing... really it is."

"If you make _any_ comments about stopping me to buy one... I'll back it into the nearest bloody bollard." Owen hissed back at her.

Reluctantly following the others, he stepped up into the van, sighed and then stopped, staring around him in disbelief.

He was surrounded by banks of high tech equipment, covering both sides of the van and stretching from the floor to the roof. Fixed seating poked out wherever the narrow desk area curved, giving the operator a limited but usable place to sit down.

Toshiko turned towards him, grinning, "I told you it's fantastic," she said, pressing a button and watching as the desk seating slipped out of sight and something rather more substantial, complete with seatbelts took its place, "And as far as anyone out there is concerned, it's a bog standard ice cream van."

"And what's even better," Suzie said, joining in, "They don't see the driver either, well they do see a driver, but not you."

The engine growled into life, Owen lurched forward, then moved quickly into the cab and sat down in the passenger seat. The equipment in here was no less impressive than what he'd seen in the other section.

"Well?" Jack grinned, waving his hand around, "The ultimate in alien tech and what's more," he paused for effect, "We have satnav that works!"

Owen whistled, clearly impressed, "Now that _is_ amazing!"

"All aboard for Torquay," Jack yelled, "Everybody strapped in?"

A chorus of "Yes!" answered him, Jack grinned, "It even has chimes!"

"If it plays Volare or Blue is the colour, I'm getting out now," Owen grumbled under his breath.

* * *

"Well on the plus side," Owen commented, peering through the windscreen at the dark and stormy sky, "Nobody is going to want an ice cream."

Jack sighed, "I was hoping to schedule in some sunbathing."

"Hope springs eternal," murmured Toshiko, who was standing behind them, leaning against the side of the doorway that linked up the back of the van to the drivers cab, folding her arms across her chest she sighed glancing at the side window, she couldn't see outside, the raindrops raced down the glass made it impossible.

Suzie was standing huddled over slightly, peering at a display of multicoloured icons and numbers, "Lets hope none of this stuff objects to the damp," she said, straightening up and glancing towards Toshiko's back.

Toshiko turned back, staring at her in alarm, "You think it will?" she queried.

"Might do, wouldn't be the first time would it?" she replied, shrugging her shoulders and then glancing across at a small black box with lights strobing back and forth across its face.

A strange grinding noise suddenly started up, then all the electrical displays flashed ominously several times as if they were about to fail completely.

"Oh, shit!" then glancing across at Jack, Owen asked him, "What happens if all this lot fails?"

"Well," Jack paused, "It'll keep the outside image, but...."

Before Jack had time to finish what he was saying, the lights all went out and the computer displays failed. They sat in silence, the only sound the rain as it hurtled against the windscreen and the wind as it howled around the van.

The silence was broken by Owen, announcing, "And if you think for one minute that I'm going to push this bloody thing to a garage, you can forget it"

Jack sighed and attempted to start up the engine, after turning over reluctantly several times, it finally struggled into life.

"I think perhaps we should look for somewhere to stay," Jack said, hitting reverse and then trying to stay hopefully optimistic as it struggled reluctantly backwards.

The van crept up the main street, Jack had decided against heading for one of the larger hotels on the seafront, instead he drove towards what he hoped was a quieter part of Torquay. As he stood on the accelerator as heavily as he dared, he silently prayed that the engine wouldn't die.

Owen leaned back in his seat and yawned, "Any chance of getting it to morph into a hearse? We might attract a bit less attention then."

"Yeah, thank you Owen, if you could keep the comments to something that might be actually useful?"

Owen shrugged, "Maybe it goes down better than up?" he suggested pointing right, "That should get up back on the quay, maybe going downhill will get it firing properly?"

"Best idea you've had all day," Murmured Jack, making a right turn, then spotting a sign to his left swerved suddenly through a set of gates and pulled into a large car park, "This will have to do."

"Where are we?" enquired Suzie vaguely, trying to get the nearest display to work.

"Haven't the foggiest, sign when we came in looked like it said Fatty Owls," Owen said, looking out towards a set of steps that led up to the main entrance, "Lets hope it's a hotel."

"Yes lets," grumbled Jack, turning off the engine and leaning back in his seat.

* * *

Sybil Fawlty patted the side of her head , making sure no single strand from her heavily coiffured hair-do had dared to move even a fraction out of place. She glanced towards the open doorway, and her husband, who was lurking tentatively at the entrance, watching the rain falling and grumbling to himself endlessly.

She was just about to go into the office to make a phone call, when he suddenly hurtled towards her, arms flailing in all directions, sighing, she waited for him to finally get around to telling her what was causing the latest in a very long line of hysterical reactions.

"You are not going to believe what's just pulled up in our car park!" he bellowed, gesticulating towards the doorway manically, then turning back and forth quickly, "Bolt the door, perhaps they'll think we're closed, or something."

"Basil... BASIL!" she finally yelled back, but he was in too much of a state to hear her.

"How the hell are we going to attract a better class of clientèle with that monstrosity stuck in the car park? Well?" He demanded, glaring towards her, then marching back and forth waving his arms in the air.

"I work my fingers to the bone, I lose sleep trying to work out how to move this hotel out of the gutter and what do I end up with?" He stopped pacing then stared at his wife, eyes wide, his neck craning forward, right hand flailing in the direction of the car park, "Hm? Well? What wonderful apparition pulls up outside? A bloody ice cream van!"

Sybil sighed, then pursed her lips, "If they're paying customers Basil, their money is as good as anyone else's."

Basil closed his eyes, then stood bolt upright and shrugged, "Maybe," he mumbled, "But you don't know where it's been do you?"

Spotting one of their residents walking towards him, he bowed slightly, rubbed his hands together and through teeth that resembled more of a clench than a smile enquired, "Looking for something Major?"

Major Gowen peered vaguely towards him, lurching slightly, he asked, "Seen the evening paper, Fawlty?"

Basil's eyes narrowed, "No, typical paper-boy, slightest sign of any bad weather and they refuse to leave home, I blame the parents, mollycoddled, that's what they are, not like us, Aye Major?"

The Major shook his head, "Oh, no definitely not Fawlty. What was I going to do? Oh yes," he murmured and wondered back towards the bar.

Basil watched his retreating back wearily, "No, quite!"

Hearing the sound of voices, Basil hurtled towards the door and then back again, "It's them, they're coming, tell them we're full," then turned quickly to one side as Jack marched past him and up to the reception desk.

Sybil smiled cheerfully at Jack, then taking note of the other three as they joined him, extended her greeting to them too, "Welcome to Fawlty Towers."

Jack nodded back, "We need rooms just for tonight... we've broken down."

"Sorry, full up," Basil announced loudly, scuttling behind his wife, then hovering between the telephone and the end of the desk.

"I'm afraid we only have two rooms available, but they are doubles," then noticing Owen's reaction, added quickly, "With single beds."

Jack nodded his approval, but Basil hadn't given up trying to get rid of them, "No we haven't dear," he announced as positively as he could manage, at the same time trying to make sure he was out of range of her foot.

"What are you talking about Basil?" she demanded.

"Party arrived half an hour ago, while you were in the office, so I'm sorry but no room."Basil leaned forward and took the booking pad away from Jack, "Sorry," he repeated, then stood back clearly waiting for him to go away.

Sybil smiled again at Jack, pushed the pad back towards him, "If you could just fill that in, thank you."

Basil shuffled, then leaned over to grab the pad back again.

"Basil," she snapped.

Immediately withdrawing his hand, he admitted defeat, glared at Jack and retreated towards the office, then murmured, "Over sexed, over paid and over here," before he shot into the office, slamming the door behind him.

"Don't mind him, he gets confused," she said, then turning her attention to the registration form, smile at him and said, "Captain?"

Jack nodded and smiled back, "From Cardiff, we were testing some equipment, but it went wrong."

"Oh dear, nothing drastic I hope?" Sybil commiserated.

"Hopefully not, but one or other of us may have to go out to the...vehicle during the night,"Jack paused, waiting to see if she would object.

Nodding, she said, "Of course, well if it becomes necessary I can give you a key- just in case... I'll get someone to take you up... Manuel?"

"It's okay, we can manage... just point me in the right direction," Jack said, smiling winningly at her.

Indicating the staircase, she said, "Top of the stairs, turn left, both rooms are next to each other," she then turned, took two keys from numbered hooks and then handed them to Jack.

Nodding his thanks, he turned and followed her directions, the others trailing behind him.

* * *

Once they got to the top of the stairs Jack handed one of the keys to Suzie, then she and Toshiko went into one of the bedrooms while Jack and Owen went into the other one.

Owen went straight across to the window and looked out, "It's okay, clear view of the van...oh shit!"

The ice cream van was pulsating theatrically and as he watched, it changed shape. Jack hurried to the window, just in time to see its new image.

"Oh wonderful!" He groaned.

"I don't think it could be more bloody obvious if it tried!" Owen grumbled, staring at the newly formed shape of a large fire engine.

The bedroom door was flung open, Toshiko and Suzie arriving at a run.

"Have you seen...." Toshiko started, then realising they were by the window slowed down.

Suzie was already opening her laptop up on the bed, "Did you see it when it actually changed shape?" She demanded, typing in information and waiting impatiently for the display to update.

"Yeah, what do you want to know?" Owen asked.

"Did it just morph from one shape to the other, or did it fade or flash first?" she asked him.

"Oh it definitely flashed, a lot!"

Suzie groaned, "Oh hell, something's shorting!"

Jack stared, "It's doing it again, Suzie."

Suzie rushed to the window in time to see it change back into an ice cream van, she heaved a sigh of relief, "Thank goodness for that!"

"You can say that again!" mumbled Owen, "I wasn't going to be the one to explain to that nutcase downstairs why there was a fire engine in his car park."

* * *

Basil Fawlty peered cautiously around the corner, checking to see if his wife was still manning reception, but there was no one there. Straightening up, he marched confidently towards the door, mumbling something about not being able to get the staff, then looked quickly back to make sure he wasn't being watched.

Satisfied he slipped outside, searching around in his pockets, he finally pulled out a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches. Glaring at the ice cream van, he lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, then relaxed against the wall.

Taking a second drag and savouring the lung full of smoke, something made him look across the car park, just in time to see the van as it morphed into a fire engine.

Basil stared, open mouthed, then promptly dropped his lit cigarette inside the front of his jacket, screaming he clutched at it, desperately trying to stop it from burning him, he danced around in circles until it fell to the floor, then sprinted back into the hotel screaming hysterically.

He was met by his wife, who watched him wearily as he hurtled around yelling. Sybil had learned from years of experience that when he reacted to something this way it was best to just stand and wait for him to calm down, if it seemed unlikely, then as soon as the opportunity arose, she would stamp as hard as she could on his foot, (that seemed to have a remarkably calming effect on him-quite why, she had no idea!)

"It turned into a fire engine," he blurted out, grabbing her arm and attempting to pull her towards the door.

Angrily pushing his hand away, she resisted as he grabbed her again, this time more tightly, "Basil! Let GO," she demanded, then sniffed suspiciously in his direction, "Have you started smoking again?"

"No!" Basil denied indignantly, "I have will power."

Sybil sighed, "You know what happened last time you went back to smoking, you saw a giant haddock break dancing in the kitchen."

"No I didn't," he replied defensively, "It was a kipper," then finally succeeding in dragging her to the door, pointed triumphantly towards the van and announced, "A fire engine."

"Really Basil? Where?" she demanded.

"Where? For goodness sake woman! There," he replied, stridently, pointing.

"It's an ice cream van."

"Since when did that look like an...." his voice trailed off as he stared across the car park, "But.... but, it was a fire engine."

"Yes dear, I'm sure it was, a nice big red one, come to put your cigarette out for you," she murmured, making a beeline for the the bar, she needed a stiff drink-quickly!

Basil stood by the door, confused and baffled, then decided he needed a drink. Two guests passed him, but he barely acknowledged them, mumbling "Fire engine," at them as they passed.

Toshiko glanced back, "Do you think he saw something? I could have sworn he said fire engine."

Suzie shrugged, "If he did, I doubt anyone will believe him."

"We'll just have to hope it doesn't do it again," murmured Toshiko, then stared as it began to morph into something else.

"Shit!" Suzie sprinted for the van and managed to get inside just as it changed into a double decker bus, then back to the van.

"That was close," Toshiko said, climbing in and closing the door.

"It's changed back?" Suzie asked, typing quickly and then glancing towards Tosh.

Toshiko nodded, "Yep, " than inspected some of the readouts, "It's not looking good!"

"Tell me about it! I'm going to have to stay with it all night and hope I can keep it stable."

Toshiko glanced at her watch, "We'll do split shifts, I'll come and take over in four hours," she said, then pushed the door open, "I'll go and let Jack know, anything you want?"

"Plenty of coffee! I need to stay awake."

* * *

Suzie yawned, then slumped across the foot of the bed, "It's as stable as its ever likely to be."

Jack nodded, "Any idea what's causing the problem?"

"Only thing I can think of is all this rain, maybe the technology was designed for a dryer climate," she said, yawning again, "Tosh is staying with it until we're ready to leave, as long as it's monitored there shouldn't be any more problems. We really should get it back to the hub."

* * *

Toshiko glanced contentedly around her, everything seemed to have settled down now, panic over she thought cheerfully, then stared at two of the displays as the readings began to fluctuate wildly, "Oh Hell!" she murmured, then adjusted her earpiece, "Jack? We've got a problem."

"Not another one!" He grumbled in response,"What is it this time?"

"It's the rift, it's going critical!"

"How critical?" Jack demanded.

Owen and Suzie were staring at him, waiting nervously to find out what was happening.

"If I can pick it up from here," Toshiko gulped, "It must be tearing Cardiff apart!"

Jack licked his lips nervously, this was it, Margaret was trying to make her escape, "We'd better get back, see what we can do."

Owen looked suspiciously at him, he had no doubt that Jack had been waiting for this to happen, he knew what it was and the cause and clearly had no intention of telling them.

"Yeah we should," he said, his gaze not moving from Jack's face, trying to read his reactions.

Suzie was already heading for the bedroom door, returning to her room to collect together what little they had moved in with.

Jack and Owen stood in silence, neither moving.

"Should I ask what's going on?" Owen enquired, glancing briefly at Jack, then down at the floor.

Turning slightly away from him, Jack said, "Probably not!" Then walked past him.

"You are going to have to tell us one of these days," Owen said, turning to watch as he walked away.

"Maybe," he answered, "But not yet," swung open the door and marched out onto the landing.

"Suzie? You ready?"

"Coming," Suzie's muffled voice responded.

Owen closed the door, then waited. Jack didn't turn towards him, just said, "You and Suzie get the stuff back into the van, I'll go and settle the bill," then went hurriedly down the stairs towards reception.

* * *

Sybil Fawlty leaned against the reception desk, she glanced vaguely around the room at random objects, clearly not really listening to the person on the other end of the phone. "Oh I know... well I did say, didn't I?" she murmured, pushing an imaginary piece of hair back into place, "Oh, he is! Four of them, think one might be a doctor or something... well he gave Basil that look... yes I know!"

The sound of footsteps made her look quickly towards the staircase, then in an exaggeratedly loud voice said, "Yes dear, well must be going, talk to you later," as she turned away she hissed down the phone, "Yes, it's him," and hung up quickly, then turned to Jack who was approaching the reception desk and clearly wanting attention.

"I hope everything is satisfactory," she simpered, then smiled confidently at him.

"Yes, thank you, fine. Unfortunately we are going to have to leave immediately," Jack's hand moved towards the inside pocket of his coat.

"Oh dear! Well, I hope you'll come back again," she said, briefly eyeing up the well stuffed wallet, that Jack now held and then reaching for a receipt book.

"Yes, do!" Basil yelled from the kitchen doorway, where he had clearly been following what was happening at the desk.

Glaring at Jack, he started to say something rude, then noticed the wallet.

Standing bolt upright, his hands rubbed together, then he grinned at Jack and began to bow slightly, "Always a friendly, open door at Fawlty Towers," he grovelled.

Jack murmured something, not looking at him, he was too busy watching Sybil as she wrote out his bill. He had seen the total and already had his wallet open and a wad of banknotes ready before she looked towards him.

"It's okay, keep the change... sorry bit of a rush," he announced, turning away and almost sprinting for the door.

He didn't see the small scrummage between Basil and his wife over the money- as usual Basil lost.

* * *

Owen drove them back toward Cardiff, Toshiko and Suzie were busy monitoring the power surges coming from the rift, calling out readings and updates to Jack, who slouched in the passenger seat, responding to the information but not really seeming as if he was giving the situation his full attention.

Pulling up at a junction, Owen relaxed a little waiting for the logjam of traffic to thin out.

"So, do we need to divert a little when we get back... or can I just head straight for the hub?" Owen asked, looking straight at Jack.

Jack stared at him, for a split second he looked alarmed, then recovered quickly and shrugged, "Why would we need to divert?" he countered, innocently.

Owen shrugged, offhandedly, but his gaze was fixed on Jack's face, "No idea, you tell me."

Jack, sighed, now what? Should he tell them at least some part of what had been happening why they had been away?

Owen's attention suddenly shifted back to the road, he pulled out into a gap in the traffic and then swore loudly as a car swerved wildly around them, "Bloody idiot," he yelled after it, then stamped on the brake as the car in front was forced to stop quickly so it didn't rear-end the car it was following.

"I don't believe it!" Toshiko stared at the display, then towards Suzie, who shook her head, puzzled, the sound of urgent typing clicked on until they both stopped at practically the same moment.

"It just stopped," Suzie said, turning to look in Jack's direction, "One minute it was about to tear everything apart, the next... nothing. What the hell happened?"

"False readings?" suggested Jack, vaguely.

"What, that strong? For so long?" Toshiko shook her head, "No way!"

"Keep monitoring just to be on the safe side," Jack said, then turning to Owen added, "Might as well slow down and take it easy."

Owen relaxed and slowed the engine, he could hear the others as they checked readings and discussed what had happened. He glanced towards Jack briefly, then gaze fixed on the road in front said, "So, we can go straight back to the hub now then?"

Jack nodded, and shifted lazily in his seat, "Yep, looks like it."

"So... you ever going to tell us why we had to be out of Cardiff?" Owen enquired, casually.

Jack yawned and slowly closed his eyes, "Nope," he murmured back.

Owen sighed, just one more item to add to the growing list of questions that they wanted Jack to answer, but knew that he never would.

Somewhere in the ether a younger Jack was travelling to Raxacoricofallapatorius, to give Margaret her second chance (courtesy of the Doctor). Then all three would travel on to meet a destiny that would change his existence forever more.

**The end**


End file.
